March 09 2025, 09:51

Mickey 17

Director: Bong Joon Ho

Release year: 2025

Mickey Barnes owes money to sadistic loan shark Darius Blank. To avoid a tortuous death, Micky enrols on a colonising mission to a new planet as an ‘expendable’, a person digitally copied so they can be endlessly recreated after kamikaze scientific tasks. But Mickey 17 doesn’t die before Mickey 18 is created, which makes them both question everything.

The trailer gave strong cartoonish comedy vibes, and that’s true of the film as a whole, but it’s also dark and icky with a twist of philosophy and a relentless anti-capitalism message. The lack of subtlety is deliberate. The monstrously narcissistic mission head, Kenneth Marshall, has the mannerisms of Donald Trump mixed with the space-conquering seed-spreading racism of Elon Musk. The mission is filled with MAGA surrogates. In the script, this must have been a roll of the dice that Trump would lose, but it feels despairing in our current reality, and more like a helpless fantasy.

Nasha is a great character, full of life, a mixture of dark and light, and a vibrant mirror for Mickeys 17 and 18. All the actors bring something unique and cartoonish to their roles, which makes the grim universe they’re inhabiting more bearable to be in for two plus hours—but they all treat Mickey as expendable. I enjoyed much of it, and the central foursome of Mickey 17/18, Nasha and Kai keep things emotionally interesting, but it goes on too long saying the same thing.

March 07 2025, 17:09

Art funnel

I have a pitch to myself. I want to get better at speaking in public. I also want to be more actively engaged in the research I’m doing for my next book. I love doing #31DaysofHorror, where I reflect on films I’ve watched, but the pace is not sustainable. Instead, I could drop the goal aspect, add books to the mix, post some thoughts in the same format (three to four paragraphs) and at the end of the month make a short video about them for Patreon.

I saw Mulholland Drive last week in the cinema, and it was a feast for the senses. Instead of writing about it, I tried making a video. I floundered. If I were in the pub talking to a mate about a film, there would be bustle around us, body language, questions, encouragement, and I’d adjust what I was saying according to the feedback. Instead, alone in my room, I obsessed over lighting, microphone placement, the blemishes on my face, the size of my ears, the state of my clothes, and my voice was a drone of clichés and dull details. Talking to a camera is unnatural. It’s hard!

In contrast, I wrote a piece about Mulholland Drive a few years ago with none of this drama. Writing to help think something through feels completely natural to me. I think differently while walking—talking out loud doesn’t add anything, and the walk-thinking is more expansive, more associative. I can drift and easily lose track.

On camera, my talk-thinking was a disaster. I tried pretending there was a person in the room, but it didn’t help. In a conversation, the other person solidifies what’s being said. The podcasts I love are conversations, not monologues. Solo vloggers on YouTube are more like TV presenters, and most have scripts, or at minimum a list of talking points.

So, back to my pitch to myself. Write more posts about films and books, and add a video summary to Patreon each month. It’s a proposal for a bit more structure to what I already do. The vlog part is an audio-video version of the “seen, read” I already post for patrons. It’s not a big deal.

Am I convinced? I woke up the other day with the words ‘art funnel’ in my head. Look, in dreams, you get what you’re given. Freud would love an art funnel. A sexy art funnel. Now there’s something to ponder.

March 05 2025, 19:56

What’s good to share?

I noticed this week that my Bluesky spring was going dry. It took a couple of days, but I caught myself being—what’s the best word, inane, clichéd, boring?—and so I did what I always do, I started deleting the chaff from my feed. I don’t know why it matters to me in such a transitory medium what my last month’s posts look like. I suppose I’m thinking about how I come across to potential new readers. It’s also because I’m a natural-born (word killer) editor.

I’m playing with YouTube-style videos at the moment (ffs). Patreon has added the option to host videos and also create a podcast feed from the audio. I am a tech moth to a flame. Talking to a camera alone is hard. My favourite podcasters come in pairs, in conversation about things they love, sparking and connecting off each other, but my attempts to talk about a film, Mulholland Drive, alone, felt lifeless.

YouTubers seem able to turn on the charm, possibly because they can see themselves on camera. Often they have someone else filming. I was suddenly sympathetic with all the actors recording auditions on their phones in hotel rooms (all of them!). It’s an imagined audience. It requires structure, even if that’s just a list of things to cover. The flow can easily dry up without another to prompt you. It feels silly, slipping into a persona when nobody is with you, for a future audience. And I’m still not used to how I look and sound to other people. I’m not a natural performer.

Writing is different. I have to write alone. I can rewrite to my heart's content. I can be another person more naturally in words.

I posted a short story to Patreon this week. That’s real content. I’ve been ambivalent about doing that for years, but fuck it, I’m ready to start experimenting with new approaches. I want to create good work and lots more of it. Getting it into the world is energising.

I’m not going to second guess what other people want anymore. The true path is to say what I want to say, even if nobody’s interested, and to be myself, to become myself as fully as I’m able, even when that pushes people away.

February 21 2025, 16:14

Glass full

Life feels tough this month. There’s a lot going on at work, I’m doing physio rehab, there are tradesmen in the house making a mess, the world seems to be in an awful place and getting worse, and I’m too tired in the evenings to read or write. I am grateful for all I have, but my body and brain is at full capacity.

I’ve been back two weeks from a five-day Arvon-run writing retreat. Eleven writers, two tutors, one massive house in rural Shropshire. It was creatively invigorating. I wrote a synopsis of my next novel, edited what I already had, and started some new chapters. The theme of the week was using other arts as part of writing practice, like music, dance, and drama. We did workshops in the morning and had afternoons free for writing, reading, walking, and tutorials.

By the last day I was wrung out and ready to come home. It was wonderful but intense. On the last evening, we all read aloud something we’d written during the week.

Returning home was a relief, but the unique atmosphere of being away with other writers in a literature-centric space is impossible to replicate at home when you have a day job and a family. It did show how hard it is, legitimately hard, to maintain focus on writing projects in ordinary life. It isn’t that I’m lazy or distracted, it‘s that I’m using most of my energy getting through the days. I’ve chosen an intense profession for my nine-to-five.

That’s helpful to recognise. It gives me something to work with. If I want to be more engaged with my literary ambitions I need to change something.

January 30 2025, 19:02

Glutes 2

At the end of August I posted about my gluteal tendinopathy. I remember writing it in a penthouse flat overlooking St Ives, an amazing spot, where I was stuck for the day because I’d messed my tendons up on the hills and flights of stairs. I was miserable. Five months on, I thought I’d give an update.

Once home from St Ives, I followed the rules in that post, knowing I had the big holiday in Sydney in October. Walking less eased the pain, but I didn’t make any progress. Gradually increasing distance and going to the gym didn’t help. In Australia, I managed the pain by pacing myself when I could and gritting my teeth to push through when I had to. It was never as bad as St Ives, but back in the UK I felt stuck and depressed.

Enter stage left another physio and shock wave therapy. I was dubious, but I was eligible because of how long I’d been suffering with tendinitis, and the therapy was recommended by NICE, so I went for it. The shock waves are acoustic and fired from a massage gun directly into the tendon through the skin. It was 2-3 minutes, once a week, for three weeks, then a break and another three weeks if required.

I don’t know if this was new or always in the mix, but I was also diagnosed with piriformis syndrome, so after the shock waves I had ‘dry needling’ in the muscle to increase blood flow. I don’t know how much good that did. Between sessions, I used a band for exercises to help with range of motion, and I did single leg squats for glute strength. My knees kept caving inwards, so this was a mental exercise as much as physical to train my legs to stay straight so my arse did the work it was supposed to.

After the Christmas break, in session four, it was clear the tendons were no longer the problem. The pain was still all around my right hip, groin and buttock, but this was the piriformis mixed with a collapse in what little flexibility I previously had. We switched to deep tissue massage and stretching. My brain was being overly protective and causing pain to stop me potentially injuring myself. It needed to learn that it didn’t have to do that anymore.

There’s a natural recovery cycle to injuries, but if we go through emotional trauma and stress, it can throw the body off and the injury becomes fixed, and the mind starts to adjust to it, stiffening the area for protection. (Which is sweet, really. Thanks, buddy.) Dad died twelve months ago. I’ll never know if that’s why this injury has hung around, but the narrative makes sense to me.

The osteoarthritis in my hip is always going to be there, but I got back from the gym a couple of hours ago, and I stretched thoroughly this morning, and I’m walking 8,500 steps on average each day, and yesterday I did 14,500 as a one-off, and yes, it’s a bit uncomfortable, but I’m fine. It looks like I’ll be able to do much more than I thought (just not running, and not tennis) if I keep working on my flexibility and my strength. Getting stronger is the key. I’m going to be fine.

(This is a bit of a boring post, but if it reaches one person who is suffering as I did, physically and mentally, and needs a bit of hope—well, keep going, my friend, it’s amazing what a good physio, stretching and strength training can achieve. If that’s you, I’m sending love.)

January 11 2025, 10:28

Switching

I’ve always switched between interests. When I beat myself up over it, it never ends well. Different parts of my life need attention at different times—health, family, creative writing, cinema and film, food and cooking, playing a musical instrument, learning another language, software development—when I neglect one, it invariably comes up as a desire in some shape or form sooner or later, and ignoring that intuitive reminder is when the trouble starts.

I can be too rigid around these identities. If I’m not writing, I’m not a writer. Not helpful. Life is much more interesting and complicated than that. I write in my notebook every day. I cook meals for myself and my family every day. I manage a software team in a full-time job. It’s not like in those Richard Scarry books about what adults do all day. We are not the jobs we do, and I can’t believe I need to remind myself of the trap, but it’s been in the back of my mind most of my life.

We can be everything we want to be, perhaps swimming more in the shallows than getting out into the deep water for most things, and for me, that is a healthy space to be creatively.

I know why I beat myself up over the writing for so long. It took the reality of being published (Nobody cares! There’s no money for writers! It’s a racket for the publishing industry!) and then my father slowly dying to break the narrative in my head.

We can only do one thing at a time and there’s a cost to switching. That’s true. We are also complex beings that thrive on making connections between things. A meal I make might find its way into a story I’m writing. While practicing guitar, a solution to a coding problem might pop into my head.

Intuition doesn’t care what you’re doing. It connects. When I put down fixed ideas of success and pay attention in all areas of my life, everything becomes easier. The internal drama dissolves. I feel calmer, the whole is clearer, and everything is more meaningful and fun.

January 02 2025, 12:07

Seen, Read: 2024

• FILMS IN ALL CAPS (C if in cinema)
• Books, by author, on end date (with start date)
• Short stories in italics

In the spirit of Steven Soderbergh’s media list:

• 01.01 SILENT NIGHT
• 02.01 Assembly, Natasha Brown (01.01)
• 06.01 Infidelities, Kirsty Gunn (31.12)
• 07.01 PRISCILLA (C)
• 10.01 OLD HENRY
• 13.01 SISU
• 14.01 THE ACCOUNTANT
• 21.01 THE HOLDOVERS (C)
• 23.01 SHOWING UP
• 27.01 ALL OF US STRANGERS (C)
• 30.01 SLY
• 07.02 ALITA: BATTLE ANGEL
• 11.02 ARGYLLE (C)
• 13.02 August Blue, Deborah Levy (07.01)
• 15.02 THE ZONE OF INTEREST (C)
• 17.02 AMERICAN FICTION (C)
• 24.02 APOCALYPSE NOW
• 04.03 THE KILLING
• 06.03 CASABLANCA
• 08.03 THREE DAYS OF THE CONDOR
• 10.03 DUNE: PART TWO (C)
• 11.03 HOLLYWOOD DREAMS & NIGHTMARES: THE ROBERT ENGLUND STORY
• 13.03 THE TASTE OF THINGS (C)
• 16.03 NO HARD FEELINGS
• 19.03 BREATHLESS
• 20.03 PERFECT DAYS (C)
• 21.03 BLUE JAY
• 23.03 GHOSTBUSTERS: AFTERLIFE
• 24.03 GHOSTBUSTERS: FROZEN EMPIRE (C)
• 27.03 IMMACULATE (C); The Player of Games, Iain M. Banks (18.03)
• 29.03 CELL
• 30.03 THE BEEKEEPER
• 31.03 GODZILLA × KONG: THE NEW EMPIRE (C); Luster, Raven Leilani (29.03)
• 05.04 KUNG FU PANDA 4 (C)
• 07.04 GOLDENEYE (C)
• 10.04 THE TOMB OF LIGEIA
• 14.04 CIVIL WAR (C)
• 15.04 THE PIGEON TUNNEL
• 16.04 The Fall of the House of Usher and Other Stories, Edgar Allan Poe (14.03)
• 20.04 ABIGAIL (C)
• 22.04 TAKEN
• 24.04 DEATH RACE 2000 (1975)
• 25.04 ZOMBIES CREEPING FLESH
• 26.04 MONOLITH; A Man Named Doll, Jonathan Ames (17.04)
• 27.04 HOUSE OF USHER (1960)
• 28.04 MAD MAX: FURY ROAD (C)
• 04.05 X; PEARL
• 06.05 THE FALL GUY (C)
• 11.05 Cornish Horrors: Tales from the Land's End, ed. Joan Passey (08.04)
• 13.05 ROLLING THUNDER
• 15.05 You Were Never Really Here, Jonathan Ames (15.05)
• 17.05 STEVE! (MARTIN) A DOCUMENTARY IN 2 PIECES
• 19.05 BLUE BLOOD
• 19.05 KINGDOM OF THE PLANET OF THE APES (C)
• 20.05 The Sea Inside Me, Sarah Dobbs (16.05)
• 23.05 FALLEN LEAVES
• 25.05 RESULTS
• 26.05 FURIOSA: A MAD MAX SAGA (C)
• 31.05 All Fours, Miranda July (26.05)
• 03.06 LATE NIGHT WITH THE DEVIL
• 04.06 CASINO ROYALE (C)
• 06.06 DARIO ARGENTO: PANICO
• 08.06 THE BIRD WITH THE CRYSTAL PLUMAGE
• 12.06 A Far Cry From Kensington, Muriel Spark (03.06)
• 13.06 THE CAT O’NINE TAILS
• 15.06 GODZILLA MINUS ONE
• 16.06 INSIDE OUT 2
• 17.06 FOUR FLIES ON GREY VELVET
• 18.06 THE GODFATHER (C)
• 19.06 Parade, Rachel Cusk (12.06)
• 21.06 DEEP RED
• 06.07 SUSPIRIA (1977); MAXXXINE (C)
• 07.07 A QUIET PLACE: DAY ONE (C)
• 08.07 INFERNO (1980)
• 09.07 TENEBRE
• 12.07 UNDER PARIS
• 13.07 DESPICABLE ME 4 (C)
• 17.07 TWISTERS (C)
• 21.07 FLY ME TO THE MOON (C)
• 22.07 In Ascension, Martin MacInnes (09.07)
• 23.07 LONGLEGS (C)
• 27.07 PHENOMENA; Double Fault, Lionel Shriver (27.07)
• 28.07 DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE (C)
• 31.07 OPERA
• 07.08 TWO EVIL EYES
• 10.08 BORDERLANDS (C)
• 11.08 TRAP (C)
• 12.08 TRAUMA
• 14.08 SHARK SKIN MAN AND PEACH HIP GIRL
• 15.08 Seraglio, Graham Swift
• 16.08 The Tunnel, Graham Swift
• 17.08 TWISTER; The Lonely Songs of Lauren Dorr, George R.R. Martin
• 18.08 ALIEN: ROMULUS (C); Sun and Moon, Katherine Mansfield
• 20.08 THE STENDHAL SYNDROME
• 22.08 CHILDREN OF MEN
• 28.08 Doctor Who and the Dalek Invasion of Earth, Terrance Dicks (27.08)
• 01.09 JAWS (C)
• 09.09 UNRELATED
• 14.09 BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE (C)
• 15.09 LEE (C)
• 21.09 HIT MAN
• 27.09 A HISTORY OF HORROR
• 28.09 WHITE HOUSE DOWN
• 29.09 WOLFS
• 01.10 Alison, Lizzy Stewart (20.09)
• 06.10 JOKER: FOLIE À DEUX (C)
• 13.10 GLADIATOR (C)
• 18.10 BLOOD AND BLACK LACE
• 31.10 The Last Supper, Rachel Cusk
• 03.11 PIG
• 04.11 BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA
• 10.11 PADDINGTON IN PERU (C)
• 12.11 ANORA (C)
• 13.11 THE CAR
• 15.11 AMERICAN MOVIE
• 16.11 ENYS MEN
• 17.11 THE ETERNAL DAUGHTER
• 19.11 DRACULA
• 21.11 THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA
• 22.11 GOTHIC
• 24.11 GLADIATOR 2
• 25.11 SLEEPLESS
• 28.11 THE CARD PLAYER
• 29.11 RED ROOMS
• 30.11 CONCLAVE (C); The Labyrinth, Amanda Lohrey (23.11)
• 02.12 I SAW THE TV GLOW
• 03.12 THE APPOINTMENT; Next to Nature, Art, Penelope Lively (01.12)
• 04.12 THE FEARLESS VAMPIRE KILLERS
• 05.12 THE DAY OF THE BEAST
• 07.12 BLITZ
• 08.12 SAINT MAUD
• 09.12 CHRISTMAS BLOODY CHRISTMAS; VIOLENT NIGHT
• 10.12 Orbital, Samantha Harvey (03.12)
• 11.12 SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT
• 14.12 IN A VIOLENT NATURE; ANNA AND THE APOCALYPSE; The First Bad Man, Miranda July (09.12)
• 15.12 NIGHTMARE CITY
• 16.12 Hide and Seek, Dennis Potter (15.12); MANIAC COP
• 21.12 MOTHER OF TEARS
• 22.12 GIALLO
• 22.12 WHAM!
• 23.12 THE HOUND OF THE BASKERVILLES
• 23.12 Binary, Michael Crichton (17.12); MADS
• 24.12 TWISTERS
• 25.12 REBEL RIDGE
• 26.12 ARGENTO’S DRACULA
• 27.12 DARIO ARGENTO: PANICO
• 28.12 DARK GLASSES
• 29.12 CUCKOO
• 30.12 THE HOUSE WITH LAUGHING WINDOWS
• 31.12 The Music of Chance, Paul Auster (23.12); BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974)

December 31 2024, 21:54

Black Christmas

Director: Bob Clark

Release year: 1974

In the days before the Christmas break, a killer breaks into a sorority house and begins to pick off the girls one by one. The girls are also being plagued by obscene phone calls from someone who calls himself Billy. When a concerned parent involves the police, can they find the killer before he kills again?

This film didn’t do well when it was released and was disparaged by critics, but has gone through a reappraisal in recent years as one of the first slashers, after the Italian giallo films of the early seventies but before Halloween. It is well acted with plenty of heart in how the girls are presented, and funny, knowing the younger audience it’s aiming at. The killer, Billy, is disturbing, the effect made almost entirely by voice as he talks to himself in the attic and to the girls on the house phone. His garbled obscenities got under my skin.

Jess, the girl who lasts to the final scenes, is pregnant by a manipulative boyfriend, Peter. She is clear she wants an abortion, and he won’t listen, the outcome of which leads to the semi-ambiguous ending. Billy speaks to Jess the most on the phone, talking about something terrible he once did to a baby, and one reading of the film is that Jess is being tormented by a patriarchal society for her decision to terminate the pregnancy.

It’s a richly layered film with plenty of political meat on its bones for what could have been a cheap thriller for teens.

All films in 2024’s #31DaysofBlackXmas...

December 31 2024, 14:03

2024: Films, books, music

More lists! Nine films came out in the UK in 2024 that I gave 5 stars and a heart to on Letterboxd. (A heart means it’s to my particular taste). That rule of nine continued with nine film discoveries, nine books that got my brain engaged, and the nine albums I listened to the most on Apple Music.

My favourite films of 2024 (in order of preference)

1. Civil War
2. Hit Man
3. Red Rooms
4. The Taste of Things
5. Perfect Days
6. Conclave
7. Anora
8. The Zone of Interest
9. In a Violent Nature

My favourite film discoveries (in order of preference)

1. Showing Up (2023)
2. Monolith (2023)
3. Gothic (1986)
4. Results (2015)
5. The House with Laughing Windows (1976)
6. Enys Men (2022)
7. Death Race 2000 (1975)
8. Old Henry (2021)
9. Three Days of the Condor (1975)

Books that pulled me in (in order of reading)

• Assembly, Natasha Brown (2021)
• All Fours, Miranda July (2024)
• A Far Cry from Kensington, Muriel Spark (1988)
• Rare Singles, Benjamin Myers (2024)
• The Labyrinth, Amanda Lohrey (2020)
• Next to Nature, Art, Penelope Lively (1982)
• Orbital, Samantha Harvey (2024)
• Hide and Seek, Dennis Potter (1973)
• The Music of Chance, Paul Auster (1990)

Albums I listened to most on Apple Music (in order of listens)

1. Radical Optimism, Dua Lipa
2. The Past is Still Alive, Hurray for the Riff Raff
3. Tension I/II, Kylie Minogue
4. The Ballad of Darren, Blur
5. Harry’s House, Harry Styles
6. Dear Happy, Gabrielle Aplin
7. Snow, Angus & Julia Stone
8. The Visitors, ABBA
9. Toxicity, System of a Down

December 31 2024, 13:18

2024: Life projects review

I do love an earnest end-of-year blog post, and I appreciate a quality summary of anything. I don’t have much time this year, and I’m low on energy, so instead here’s an earnest end-of-year list.

I did a light version in 2023, but one of my fleeting YouTube crushes this year extolled the benefits of keeping closer track of projects (so you know what you’ve actually done), and he was right. When I see how much shit I got done while thinking I was procrastinating, I feel a lot better.

Achievements and life events that I put my energy into (in chronological order):

• Started a new job
• Dad’s death and funeral
• Son went to Australia with a working visa
• Dealt with Dad’s estate and finances
• Cleared and sold Dad’s house
• Restarted my Patreon
• Migrated my website from Jekyll to Hugo
• Went to GP/physio for hip problems
• Joined the gym (and still going)
• Started meditating most mornings (and still going)
• Grew as a software engineering Team Leader
• Went on holiday to St Ives
• Wrote a short story and submitted it to Nightjar
• Travelled to Australia and saw my son
• Started practicing guitar with Museo app (and still going)
• Glute work: shock waves on tendons, dry needling into piriformis, rehab/prehab exercises
• Mother-in-law’s unexpected and ongoing illness
• Re-read and sorted through a partial draft of my next novel
• Watched and reviewed all the films of Dario Argento
• 31 horror films in December a.k.a. #31DaysofBlackXmas
• Logged 22 books in StoryGraph
• Logged 137 films in Letterboxd